Review: Obama on Daily Show / Hillary on Colbert

On the eve of the Pennsylvania Primary, both Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on Comedy Central, no doubt hoping to woo those countless couch potatoes off their couches and into the voting booth the following day. Both candidates showed comic potential, at least when compared to John Kerry, but they did so in different ways. Hillary showed she could make fun of herself. Obama showed balls. Comic balls. 

Obama

Stewart, via satellite interview, began his interview with Obama with friendly salutations, giving Obama a forum to address the American people. But Stewart, to his credit (and this is really what makes him so great at this), cut the Illinois senator off right in the middle of his whole elaborate tangent on "healthcare, the mortgage crisis." 

"When you leave Pennsylvania, can you forget about them?" referring to Obama giving Pennsylvanians so much attention. He's been there six weeks, Stewart points out. "You show up in Montana, there's a quick primary for two hours, 'Hey nice to see ya, how's it goin', hey that's a nice mountain.'" 

Stewart moved the interview along fairly well, given the pressures of both taking advantage of having on a guest of this magnitude to ask him real questions, but also to be funny. Obama had a good line when he called Clinton's attacks on him a huge favor for when he has to go up against McCain. "Like spring training," he said. Stewart retorted by asking "If you were to become president, sir, will you pull a bait-and-switch sir, and enslave the white race?" and then whether or not he's worried about winning the election, getting sworn into office, and Hillary still campaigning ferociously outside. 

Overall, Obama was good - not great, but good. He showed he could handle the tough questions. He didn't try to do too much with the interview, kind of letting Stewart taking it where he wanted it to go. 

Later that night, Obama appeared on Colbert via satellite, right after Hillary. Here, he was much funnier. Even though, like Hillary's appearance, Obama's was clearly scripted and many of his jokes written, yet I thought possibly the funniest sequence was when he was deciding what "Distractions" should replace on the the "On Notice" board. "Grizzly bears stay because they are the leading threat to Americans," he said, likely scripted. But then he said "James Brady can go," referring to the top name on the board. "He's a good guy." Not knowing who James Brady was, I laughed at this. It seemed completely unscripted. Whether or not Obama was trying to be funny did not matter at this point. It was a sign of spontaneity. I liked it. 

(Upon further googling, I found out that James Brady received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Bill Clinton in 1996 as a gun control activist. He was also Ronald Reagan's press secretary, shot during the 1981 assassination attempt, and left partially paralyzed for life, confined to a wheelchair. Did I mention he is a gun control activist?)

(This also begs the question, why was James Brady "On Notice" to begin with. Help me out with this one. Comment if you know the answer.)

Hillary

Hillary showed less balls. She didn't do an interview on either show, although to her credit she did appear in person on Colbert, not via satellite. So I guess that took some balls. Although we've never really questioned her balls, have we? When your dream job consists of working in the same office your husband got his dick sucked in, that takes balls. Big balls. Big, red, raging balls. 

She did show the ability to make fun of herself, however. "Call me anytime," she said after Colbert thanked her for fixing the TV monitor. "Call me at 3 a.m." 

Yet, to be honest, that's enough of Hillary. Frankly I'm tired of her. Let's hope Pennsylvania is too, I suppose, so this whole debacle can be over with and the democrats can force John McCain to come out of hiding. Seriously, McCain's gone all Bin-Laden on us. Where the fuck is he? Somebody tell him the Diamondbacks are in first place. 

Second Set of Links

Whatever you're doing this weekend, I'm sure that one way or another that includes spacing out to trippy music videos. Mind-fucks, if you will. But whatever you are or aren't on this weekend, I'm sure you can find it in your fucked-or-not-fucked up mind to appreciate at the very least the art of these videos. Happy passover, guys. 

1. "Myriad Harbor" - The New Pornographers - This artsy, folksy, indie octet from Vancouver makes music that is unlike anything else out there at the moment. Their videos are no exception. "Myriad Harbor" combines bright-colored cartoon imagery with nonsensical animation, to go along with what actually turns out to be a pretty catchy song. If this video doesn't do it for you, then I dunno, maybe you need to go eat some more matzah and cream cheese or something. 

2. "Earth Intruders" - Bjork - Yes, I know, it's Bjork. I'm perfectly aware she's quite the opposite of the girl next door. But one thing that can't be denied about this Icelander is that once she puts all her creative juices and talents together, she creates art that nobody else is capable. Watching "Earth Intruders" is like being taken on a journey through a children's book. (When I watch it, I can't help but imagine I'm a character from "Where the Wild Things Are"). 

Bjork is weird, this video is classic Bjork, and that's really all you ought to know. 

3. "Grass" - Animal Collective - This song is about grass. There are a lot of bright colors and unexpected tempo and key changes.

4. "Paper Planes" - M.I.A. - This is just a good song. It's also the song used in the trailer for the upcoming Judd Apatow stoner flick "Pineapple Express."

5. "Touch of Grey" - Grateful Dead - They turn to skeletons. Also, listen to the lyrics. 

6. "Heavy Metal (Takin's A Ride)" - Don Felder - Don't get your hopes up, though. You never actually get a good look at her "naked boobs" anyway. 

Movie Review: Drillbit Taylor

Here's the trailer. 

Hollywood seems to assume that all you need to do to get people to watch your movie is to slap Judd Apatow's name to it. And they are right; they got me. 

But to go in to this movie thinking you're seeing the next Superbad would be unwise. Outside of Owen Wilson, the cast is mainly no-names. Three high school freshman - a fat jewish kid who raps, a skinny nerd, and a third geek (McLovin, only much more hateable) - hire a bodyguard (Wilson) to protect them from a school bully, only Wilson is not actually a bodyguard. He's a homeless guy. 

It seems like the recipe for oodles of comedy. Unfortunately, the script (co-written by Seth Rogen, who makes no appearance in the film) fails to deliver. The bully scenes are ridiculously far-fetched, not believable at all. Superbad, as crazy as it was, was still believable, and much easier to relate to. The film bombs for the first 40 minutes, finally picking up once Wilson becomes a fake teacher. But this is too little too late. There was a brief moment where I thought Leslie Mann's sluttiness as an english teacher could save the film, but after an hour of bombing jokes, a weak supporting cast, and no boobie action, I just gave up. There was no saving this movie. In retrospect, not even Leslie Mann's boobies could have saved this movie. 

The lone bright spot was the little fat kid. He's going to be a star. If he becomes the next Jonah Hill, I will be disappointed. I'm thinking bigger. Fatter. I'm thinking Ralphie May meets Keenan Thompson. And, ah what the hell, maybe a little Jonah Hill. 

This movie lacked jokes, plain and simple. Seth Rogen is talented, but the PG-13 rating stigma didn't give him enough leeway to do what he does best. The actors were talented, but I'm sure too young to be trusted with the art of improv, an Apatow staple in his other, much more successful, much funnier movies.

Save your $10. Or if you're deciding whether to watch it for free online, like I did, save your two hours. Do something fun, like not watching Drillbit Taylor. 

The Best White Player in the NBA

The last three MVPs have gone to awkward white guys. 

The Mav's Dirk Nowitzki was the lucky winner last year, becoming the biggest German name to hit America since David Hasselhoff, golden locks, oversized silver-studded earings, broken english and all. 

South African-born Canadian Steve Nash held the honor the previous two seasons, becoming the first cracker to win MVP since Basketball Jesus three-peated in the mid-eighties. 

This year, the pundits and so called 'experts' will tell you that the MVP race is a four man race. Kobe is the league's best player. Chris Paul is the league's best playmaker. LeBron puts up the best stats. The Big Ticket is responsible for one of the biggest turnarounds in NBA history, and the is best player on the best team in the league. 

But let me take a moment to throw a name out that I feel is getting abominably overlooked: Hidayet Turkoglu. 

The Magic forward does it all. Averages of 20 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists for a 50-win team should be enough to garner attention, especially since, of course, our man Hedo is white. 

But not only is he white. In fact, he just might be the best white player in the NBA. 

Hedo plays four different positions on the court for a Magic team that lacks a true point guard or power forward. He is their primary ball-handler and playmaker. He shoots 40% from threes. He throws down thunderous dunks for a white guy. He is the only player on the Magic who can create his own shot. (126 million dollar man Rashard Lewis is a shooter, and Superman is no more than a finisher at this stage of his career). He is the veteran on a young team. He is having the best year of his career with numbers very comparable to Tracy McGrady, another MVP candidate. And alas, he is white. MVP voters love players with a disadvantage. 

So there you have it - Hedo for MVP. Just as Nash winning MVP gave hope to millions of short white guys playing office basketball in their 30's, and Dirk to lumbering, clumsy foreigners, Hedo can do the same for both. 

Turks have been looking for a John Elway-type figure to worship since the Ottoman Empire disbanded. Let's give them every reason to erect another statue. 

First Set of Links

First day of site, first set of links. The theme of this particular batch of links is Music Videos. They are all terrible. They are all worth watching. There's a lot we can learn of what not to do in making a music video from this motley crue. 

1. Tommy Seebach - "Apache" - Scantily clad women + Tommy Seebach = tons of fun. 

2. Hall & Oates - "She's Gone" - Either they're stoned, or they just don't care. The look on Oates's face is especially hilarious. Why are they not more famous? Because they were set up to fail. This video did little to help their case. 

3. The Jesus & Mary Chain - "Sometimes, Always" - Although I would without question succumb to Hope Sandoval on any level, this video makes no sense after the bar scene. It goes from a date with one of the top 5 hottest Indie rock chicks of the eighties to a Chevy commercial featuring John Mellencamp. But still, it's worth it for Hope Sandoval. She is a bona-fide babe. 

4. Ratt- "Round and Round" - Ratt thought they were way cooler than they were. Ratt is why our parents' parents hate rock and roll. 

This Is the First Post

We are Randos. We are Cocksmen. I am the Cocksman. Here's why.

I don't know you. You are Rando. One can only hope you may be a Cocksman. I hope; therefore you are. Yes?

No? Not good enough for you? There's more to come. I vow to update this page bi-weekly. 

Some more of my vows:

I vow to cure aids. To kill something, one must find its heart. I've singled out Tom Hanks. 

I vow to end all wars. War is only acceptable if declared upon another human being. For example, I am against the war in Iraq. I am against the mass seal hunt. Yet, I am completely for the public execution of certain people. Like Matthew McConaughy. The man can not carry a movie. His last watchable film was Angels in the Outfield. And 'Sahara' made we want to bang my head against the wall repeatedly. 

Additionally:

I vow to provide appropriate links in the links menu. They shalln't let you down. 

I vow to provide advice and assessment. Whether something or someone needs to be advised or assessed. 

-The Cocksman