Spring Break!

It's Spring Break! Whoohoo, Spring Break! I'm going to have so much fun over Spring Break! Oodles. Buttloads. You name it. Lots and lots of fun. Here are 10 Spring Break activities...

1. Road trip. Go somewhere. You got a week. 

2. Beach. Does not count as a road trip, yet a trip to the beach is in many ways equally desirable. 

3. Baseball. Throw a ball around with the old man. 

4. Relax. Celebrate the freedom of youth by exercising all zero of your responsibilities. 

5. Read a book. Kidding. Unless it's that book. 

6. Visit friends. Visit them at college, at home, or in Cancun. 

7. Spring fling. For those spending break anywhere but their parents' house. 

8. Go to the city. So if anyone asks you if you went anywhere "interesting" over break, you can always mention the city. 

9. Gardening. Because flowers bloom in spring sometimes. 

10. Grill. Get those grills out from the garage and flip me some o' dem fatty patties!

If you can't find the time to do any of these, you can always just Roast Larry the Cable Guy. 

Mount Rushmore of Anything Pt. 1

In honor of ESPN's new segment, "The Mt. Rushmore of Sports," I've compiled a little Mt. Rushmore of my own, of anything, Pt. 1. 

Mt. Rushmore of Athletes:

Michael Jordan

Babe Ruth

Pelé

Muhammad Ali

These are the only consensus best players their sport has ever seen. Joe Montana was the first name off, but a strong case could have been made for Jim Brown, therefore weakening the argument for Joe Cool. Apologies to Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Hulk Hogan. 

Mt. Rushmore of Guitarists:

Jimi Hendrix

Eric Clapton

Robert Johnson

Eddie Van Halen

We go rock god, blues/rock god, blues god, and shred god. Apologies to Jimmy Paige and Duane Allman. 

Mt. Rushmore of Prematurely Dead Actors:

James Dean

River Phoenix

Heath Ledger

Selena

RIP James "Rebel Without a Cause" Dean, River "Joaquin's dead brother" Phoenix, Heath "Casanova" Ledger, and Selena. 

Mt. Rushmore of Kevin Spacey movies:

American Beauty

L.A. Confidential

The Usual Suspects

The Negotiator

Apologies to "K-Pax," "Pay it Forward," and "Se7en." 

More to come, maybe. 

A New Hope

That's right, Barack Obama is now president. I'm excited beyond words. It's a good feeling to support your leader. This here is a list of all the things I like about Barack Obama. 

1. He's the best motivational speaker I've heard since Tony D'Amato. 

2. He's a baller. 

3. He is a family man. 

4. He looks good in trunks. 

5. He'll buy you a beer. 

6. He has good taste in women. 

7. He's a jokester. 

8. He's been a published author for almost 15 years now. 

9. Hawaiian, yet rarely boasts about how great his home state is. 

10. Likes Kanye and Bruce Springsteen. 

11. He can dance. 

12. He'd text me updates throughout his campaign and on the day of the inauguration. 

13. He favors a college football playoff. 

14. He's from the city. 

15. Street-cred. 

16. Perfect teeth. 

17. The O-Boner he gives me when he speaks. 

18. Overcame deaths of his parents. 

19. Seems to be in favor of favorable things such as peace, prosperity, freedom of speech, and progress. 

20. He can dance. 

Who is Sarah Pailn?

1. A dumb chick

2. A hockey mom in a country that doesn't care about hockey

3. A 44-year-old GILF, essentially

4. That social studies teacher you had in junior high you'd throw paper airplanes at when she turned around

5. The librarian who came into your class to talk about "Read Across America Day," which inexplicably fails to live up to its name as an acronym by being one word off spelling "READ." 

6. Tina Fey on a bad day

7. Your new co-worker who doesn't seem qualified but you don't ask questions because you heard she cries "harassment."

8. That drunk chick at the Bob Weir & Ratdog show, doing that hippy dance from 40 years ago like its Monterey. 

9. That drunk chick at the bar you hit on for an hour before realizing that:

     a. She's not that hot

     b. She really doesn't look like Tina Fey

     c. She doesn't go all the way

     d. If she did go all the way, she wouldn't let you use a condom

     e. Chick's a raging maniac and has nothing intelligent to say - usually this point is of the least importance, however if a dumb chick is dumb and never shuts up, this can be a recipe for a miserable evening. 

10. A pit-bull? Really? Come. On. She is a terrifying little dog. 

11. The lunch lady who can't get the order right, even when there is just one order that day. "I thought today was Dominoes pizza day. What's this? You gave me beans? Are we out of pizza?"

12. The lady David Blaine finds on the street and convinces that she's thinking about the six of clubs. And while she's not paying attention, he steals her wallet, her watch, unclips her brassiere, takes off her glasses, lets down her hair, and does his best Barry Lakin impression. 

13. That awesome mom who lets you hang out with her daughter and doesn't intrude or ask questions. She just says, "Hi Levi, how was hockey practice? I've gotta run to the Baskin Robbins if ya don't mind, but Bristol's in the other room horny as a bull. You kids have fun, OK. Okey dokey, see you kids tomorrow." 

14. John McCain's Vice Presidential running mate. 

15. Running for Vice President. 

16. She could be our next president.

17. She could be our next president.

18. She could be our next president. 

A Week of Rugby

It's been 42 years since George Plimpton wrote "Paper Lion," a book chronicling his try out with the 1963 Detroit Lion football team. Plimpton was 36 at the time, a writer with no football experience, only he didn't tell anyone. His teammates and opponents thought he was a joke. It turned out the joke was on them. 

Well, always looking for new material in which to work with, I, the Cocksman, tried out for the Tufts Rugby team this past week. I went to three practices, two drink-ups, and one game. And that's it. I got a nice bruise all over my body. I'm sore as hell. And I only played about 10-15 minutes of actual game time. 

So now what? I could keep playing rugby, but I doubt it. I could write a book about it, "Paper Jumbo," but that's even more doubtful. Most likely, I do nothing. I remember the experience - the coach who tackled me, the jock humor, the guy who drinks till he pukes and then keeps on drinking - and the experience is material for my next novel. You know that novel... That novel I've been working on.... That one.... With the protagonist...... 

The Cocksman's Whereabouts

I'd like to apologize to all my readers and illustrious, fruitful fanbase. Three months is a long time to go without a post, so I'd like to take a moment to apologize once again. Sorry. My bad. But in the words of poet laureate Dave Matthews, "Let's not try and take a shit when we haven't got any crap inside us." Yet, a lot has happened since May 1. Let's take a look back at some of the biggest stories of the last quarter year. 

1. Bernie Mac died. Yes, this was only two days ago, but the man born Bernard Jeffrey McCullough was a living legend. An Original King of Comedy. Moesha's Uncle Bernie. Mr. 3000. Mr. Bernie Mac. Dying at 50 is young, but I'm sure he's resting in peace right now. In his own words, "I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job." Not a bad way to live. Oceans 14 won't be the same without you. 

2. Obama wins Nomination. McCain compares Obama to Paris Hilton and then declares himself an American hero. John Edwards had an affair. And still, no one gives a fuck. Wake me up when September, and October, end. Is it November yet? 

3. Brett Favre to the Jets. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre Brett Favre. BrettFavre BrettFavre BrettFavre. BrettFavreBrettFavreBrettFavreBrettFavre. Brett. Favre. 

4. Pineapple Express. One of the better comedies I've seen in a long time. Never a dull moment. A lot of blood. And a lot of smoking weed. If you have yet to, I suggest you hop on board and ride the express. 

5. The Dark Knight. IMDB ranking says it all. If going out on top is the way to go out, points for Heath Ledger. He joins the pantheon in acting immortality. 

6. Lil Wayne's Tha Carter III. Weezy's on top the world right now. Highlights include "Mr. Carter," "Dr. Carter," "Tie My Hands," "Shoot Me Down," and "Lollipop (remix)" featuring Kanye West, but really, the whole album is excellent. Like I said, Wayne's on top of the rap game, top of the world. Please don't shoot him down. Cause he's flying. He's high up...

The Cocksman Grades the NFL Draft

I hate when "experts" grade teams' drafts the Monday after. Even the week after, as I am about to do. The fact is, there is really no way of knowing how good a teams' draft picks really are until they actually step onto the field.

Here's a link to the draft grades immediately following the 2003 draft. I think it's fair to grade drafts after five years, just not one day. Among the teams receiving an A grade: the Lions, for their first round selections of Charles Rogers and Kevin Jones (both no longer on the team), and the Bears, for their first round picks on Michael Haynes (out of the NFL), and Rex Grossman (the butt of a plethora a jokes, and sadly, also not Jewish). The Titans are praised for taking Andre Woolfolk (out of the NFL), and the Steelers questioned for trading up for Troy Polamalu and drafting Ike Taylor (two very good players on a Super Bowl winning team). 

But what the hell - grades are fun, as long as you're on the giving end. So here it goes, and here's me grading the drafts half-heartedly of a handful of teams.

Jets - C+

Vernon Gholston was a good pick, but they kind of took him by default. With Ryan and McFadden both gone, I'm sure they missed out on their top two choices, but much like the D'Brickashaw Furgeson pick in '06, Gholston will help their team more than anyone right away. Good pick; he's an excellent fit in their 3-4 D. I like their next pick, Dustin Keller, but I really don't see him becoming that much better than Chris Baker. After giving up a first rounder for Doug Jolley two years ago, this pick seemed like a reach. Erik Ainge is a nice prospect at QB. He could definately be another late-round Derek Anderson-type steal. The scouting report on Marcus Henry sounds like an exact description of Jerricho Cotchery, so that's definately a good thing. I liked that pick a lot. 

Giants - B

Kenny Phillips was a need pick with Gibril Wilson gone to the Raiders. He's got size, speed, and experience. Terrell Thomas could develop into a solid number two corner at some point in time. I loved the Manningham pick. Sure he smokes weed, but so does Randy Moss...and every other NFL player. Andre Woodson in the sixth was a nice pick as well. He put up better numbers in college than Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco, and he played tougher competition. He beat 2008 National Champions LSU last year. Plus, he's got great size. I'm also forced to assume he's mobile because he's black. There's nothing not to like here. Maybe except stereotypes in America and in sports.